We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone