If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
do what now??
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.