Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware