Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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Jupiter
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Netflix: We have Less
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos