Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.