*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*has no idea what a book even is*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”