This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!