The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
broke down and did it
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Quadruple digit IQ
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.