her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You Might Also Like
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS