Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Buck naked
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?