Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds