My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.