I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
You Might Also Like
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”