I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…