Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
fixed it
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Not messing around
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense