Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Twitter is an abusement park.