Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*looks at you in batman voice*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly