[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
You Might Also Like
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
damn he’s good
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.