DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor