I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm