When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.