I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You Might Also Like
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white