So sick of all these stupid rules
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*