“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
that’s really how it is