Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running