“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes