2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
spicy snake
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.