[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
This is why I hate group projects
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.