Body by Oreos
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
⛄️
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
absolute chaos
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.