Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Ha.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?