[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert