I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
You Might Also Like
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
what do you want!!!!!!!!
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*