I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
(more comics:
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
At an art museum and I thought this was art
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and