BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!