*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Worst perfume name ever.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”