[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You Might Also Like
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.