me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?