wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Knock Knock
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile