God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.