Ah..makes sense now
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Hot Panini is in big trouble
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar