ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Banking tips
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.