Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm