Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Seek kebab; not attention
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot