I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS