After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.