This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
You Might Also Like
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Husband of the year 😂
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.