work smarter, not harder
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
i meant to share this earlier
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.