Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”