[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough