It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
One of the best
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.